It's Not Always Easy
by hma1010
Summary: Kurt was always looking for the signs. He was always ready to help Blaine when he spiraled. Warnings of depression.


**A/N- Hey, I hope you enjoy this. I don't know why Blaine is depressed in my fics lately, but this is what was in my head so...please review and let me know what you think!**

**~I don't own anything from Glee.**

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He knew the signs to look for in his husband. After having been with him for six years, it didn't happen often, maybe three of four times, but still it was always the same every time. He would begin to withdraw from social events with the excuses of being tired or stressed, and when he was able to force himself to leave their apartment he was all fake smiles and false laughter. He'd started spending weekends and night times after work sleeping or watching TV on the couch. His appetite would become non-existent. Yes, Kurt knew the signs when Blaine was spiraling in his depression. Though he'd been on anti-depressants for years now and stable, every so often a switch would happen. One Kurt wasn't even sure if Blaine even noticed at the beginning, and he would be sucked into a hole of sadness and self-loathing.

Kurt walked into their bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed by his husband's sleeping form.

"Blaine," he softly rubbed his back, "Blaine, honey?"

"Hmm?" he mumbled, his face pushed against the pillow.

"It's 3pm, you're not going to be able to sleep tonight if you sleep all day." This was his fourth time trying to wake him up.

"I'm tired."

Kurt pushed away some of his hair that had fallen onto his face. His hair that was greasy from not getting out of bed since he fell into it directly after work on Friday and had not washed since then.

"I know you are, but you'll feel better if you get up for a little bit and eat something."

"M'not hungry."

"You only had toast yesterday morning, you've got to eat something, come on." Kurt gently pulled the blanket away from him.

He hated this part, forcing him to get up and move when all Blaine wanted to do was sleep. He hated it but after the first time this had happened two years after they started dating he requested that Blaine let him talk to his therapist to figure out the right steps to take. Dr. Lee told Kurt that when Blaine was like this, the more he forced himself to do things the faster it would pass. If Blaine wasn't at the point where he could force himself yet, then it fell on Kurt to get him moving.

Blaine rolled himself into a ball, "Please just let me sleep."

"You know I can't do that, Blaine," He leaned down and kissed his forehead and then his cheek, "You're only going to feel worse if you keep staying in bed."

Blaine sighed but finally opened his eyes and rolled to his back, looking at Kurt, "Everything is so hard right now." Tears flooded his eyes but he closed them tightly and quickly wiped one that escaped.

Kurt took his hand and squeezed it, "I know it is, but that's why I'm here right? I'm going to help you through this. We'll take it slow, lets get up and get you in the shower, you'll feel better and more awake when you're clean. One thing at a time, ok?"

Blaine opened his eyes again and nodded, he allowed Kurt to help him get out of the bed and followed him to the bathroom. Kurt handed him his toothbrush with toothpaste on it and then went to work on setting the water temperature in the shower as Blaine brushed his teeth. Once he was done he kissed Blaine's temple and left the bathroom to get things ready. He changed the sheets and made the bed and then walked over to the closet. Kurt picked out an outfit, comfortable jeans and a sweater, knowing Blaine would slip on his boxers and a t-shirt and jump back into bed if he did not. When he heard the water shut off, Kurt went into the kitchen.

When Blaine walked out, he was dressed but had forgone shaving and fixing up his hair, but Kurt was just happy he was dressed in the clothes he put out. He smiled at Blaine as he sat down on a stool at the counter; Blaine gave an attempt at a smile back.

"Is there anything in particular that you want to eat?"

Blaine shook his head, "I'm not really hungry."

"Ok, so something light. How about some oatmeal and a fruit salad."

"Ok." Blaine's voice lacked its usual cheer and was monotone and lifeless. He crossed his arms on the counter and put his head down on them.

"I made an appointment with Dr. Lee for tomorrow morning." Kurt told him as he prepared the oatmeal and cupped the fruit he had prepared that morning.

"Tomorrow is Monday, I have work." He didn't pick up his head.

"I already called and told them you wouldn't be in tomorrow. I called out as well." He didn't know how Blaine had been around the children he taught in the last two weeks that he had been like this, but he knew he needed the day off, especially after his therapy session.

Blaine finally sat back up and looked at him, "You didn't have to take off."

"I know, I wanted to. I thought we could get breakfast in the morning before your session, then after we could come back here and relax for the rest of the day."

"Ok."

"Does that sound good to you?" He asked as he placed the food in front of Blaine.

"Yea."

Kurt nodded and tried not to let Blaine's demeanor affect him. He knew this wasn't Blaine. It was always hard, but once Blaine could talk with Dr. Lee, they could figure out his medicine and figure out what had pushed him into this. Blaine would be fine and he would be happy and energetic again and this would be just one of those setbacks that he was prone to have. He knew this, but it still stung to see his husband, his Blaine, in so much pain.

As Blaine took a few bites of the food, mostly just pushing it around, Kurt busied himself cleaning up the apartment. He had been up and dressed since eight that morning, and had already cleaned everything once, but he didn't want to stand over Blaine and watch him. After ten minutes or so, Kurt watched as Blaine dumped most of the food out and put the cups in the dishwasher. He had lost some weight in the past two weeks, nothing drastic, but enough that his clothes were baggier then they had been, and enough that Kurt mixed in some protein powder with the cups of coffee Blaine drank every morning without fail.

"Why don't we go take a walk?"

"Can't we just stay in?"

"It's a beautiful day out, not too cold. I think a little fresh air would be good for both of us. I know your tired and it's hard, but we can just go to the park and sit on one of the benches there."

Blaine nodded and walked over to the door and pulled both of their coats down from the wrack. He handed Kurt his and then put his own on. When he turned, Kurt was holding his scarf and wrapped it around Blaine's neck. He gave him a quick kiss and then they headed out and down the stairs.

It was quiet outside, they lived in a more residential area, and it being Sunday afternoon, there weren't many people outside. They walked hand in hand down the sidewalk and a comfortable silence engulfed them. The neighborhood park was six blocks away from their apartment building and it was quiet save for a few children playing a game of tag. Kurt steered them towards a bench that overlooked the water and the Brooklyn Bridge. From where they sat they could watch the boats passing and some docking in Manhattan. Kurt put his arm around Blaine's shoulders and Blaine lowered his head onto Kurt's shoulder. They were silent for a long moment until Blaine spoke quietly.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because I know this can't be easy for you. That _I_ can't be easy for you to have to deal with."

"I'm not dealing with you. You're my husband and I love you. You're going through a hard time right now, we'll get through it together."

Kurt began rubbing up and down Blaine's arm when his body began to shake a little. He didn't have to see his face to know that he was crying.

"I don't know what happened. Everything was fine and then it wasn't." His voice was shaky and watery.

Kurt placed a kiss on the top of his head, "Sometimes I think it just happens like that. There doesn't have to be a reason."

"I know. I just feel so empty. It's like I want to be happy and I want to do things with you, our friends, I want to. I just feel like I'm stuck in a fog that's getting heavier and heavier." He sniffled as he spoke.

"Seeing Dr. Lee will help, maybe you need an increase of your medicine."

"I just don't want to have to do this anymore."

Kurt paused his hand on Blaine's arm, "Do what?"

"Be like this. Have this happen, have you have to take care of me when I'm like this. I'm just so tired of it." He began crying in earnest.

Kurt pulled him into a hug, "I know. I know it's hard and it's not fair, but you're going to get through it and it's going to get easier. You're not going to feel like this forever. I know it sucks that it happens, but each time it does it gets better and you're going to be happy again. You just have to hold on a little more, ok?"

Blaine nodded, but Kurt pulled back from him to look at his face. So much pain was etched onto it. There were deep purple circles under his eyes that showed the exhaustion, his eyes were watery and sorrow filled. Kurt placed his left hand on Blaine's neck and his right on his cheek.

"I love you so much, I'm going to help you get through this. I'll make sure you do."

Blaine nodded but squeezed his eyes shut again as tears began to leak from them again and sobs wracked his body. Kurt pulled him back in.

"I love you, Blaine. I will love you no matter what and I always will."

"I…L-love you t-too." He hiccupped as he said it.

Kurt held him until his tears dried up. He held him as they walked home. He didn't let go of Blaine until he went into Dr. Lee's office. He made sure that Blaine took the new medicine he was prescribed, that he ate even when he wasn't hungry, and that he got up for work on time. A few weeks later, when Blaine was finally starting to seem like himself again, Kurt still stayed close, he made sure that he never felt alone. He knew this wouldn't be the last time Blaine felt like this. It would only get harder to deal with once they had kids. He knew this, but he wouldn't let that stop him from having the life that they both deserved. He would just keep looking for the signs and then he would deal with the depression when it got unbearable again. He would never stop. He couldn't.


End file.
